Those are some gusty winz outside


the education of carl

this post is about myself.  Stream of conciousness as I start a new book called the education of henry adams.

-i used to get a tick in my back- i remember it, it was right along my shoulder blades.  As I was sitting, trying to relax (most of the time alone) it would tick (I don’t want to use the word twitch) and it would distract me in a way that I couldn’t take my attention away from it.

I think part of the reason why my parents couldn’t take care of me through high school is because they were out of touch with who they were.  They had both become people dedicated to some sort of mission that disabled them from feeling my feelings of growing up.

But no longer is there a need to find blame and reason for events in my life.  Digging and pointing to reasons why things went wrong only highlight my insecurities.  I still have a burning desire to recognizes everything that made my life miserable (age 15-22) and learn from these things. Just like I have been doing with myself to find a job.  Digging to find the strengths/weaknesses of my personal skills for a job is like splitting my life in two sections.  One that matters a lot and one that doesn’t so much matter, treating it in a way that it is not as important.

Blending the so called two halves of my life: one personal (of family/friend relations) and one professional (of me trying to define myself in the world of work and enjoyment) seems to sound alright as an idea, but I am unsure of any way to do that.  I have separated the two since I was working as a 14 year old bus boy at Titletown. 

I start to think of all these things I have, and wonder who I am… Am I a things person or am I a people person.  When I’m around people I forget about all my stuff, and when I’m around my stuff I forget about all the people

You know what, I like ignoring the mainstream ideas “finding yourself more time”  working your workout into your busy day of “life , relationships, commitments”.  That shit is just for the rat race.  You know what?  That shit is not for me.  Am I busy, fuck- yeah.  But not too busy to step back and understand whats going on around me.  See, the thing is, if I don’t do that then what good am I- I’m just living to live.  Living to please myself. 

See, what I would rather do is all this stuff, take enough time to understand it, and hopefully be able to help someone out with the same ideas some day.